am i dreaming?

JT,

for some reason, you've decided to give me a break for the last 2 days.  you've done everything i've requested after the first time i asked; you've done homework and chores before heading outside to play with your friends without argument; you've gone to bed with no delays..... i'm not sure what to make of this.  i feel like i've been here before. 3-5 days is usually your max.  i REALLY REALLY want to believe this is the real deal.  but i'll take however many days you give me.  i feel such a sense of relief. i've almost been reduced to tears a few times in the past 48 hours.  why the dramatics?  because for the first time, i felt like the mom i always thought i could/would be.  i've doubted myself and beat myself up so many times for how harsh i felt i was treating you at times.  i've questioned myself as a person, wondering how i could possible be soooo frustrated and angry at a child. a child who is mine!  it's enough to drive a person crazy.  but as you behaved "normally" (or at least how i imagine 80% of children to act), i realized that i should not be so hard on myself.  you are a difficult personality. i don't even mean that as a dig. i love you so tremendously but the fact is, you are a difficult personality to deal with.  the things we love about you also come with cons.  you have always been extremely verbal and expressive (plus) but you also express your anger and frustration to us ALL.THE.TIME (minus)...... you are extremely athletic (plus) but you have EXTREME energy and could never bother to nap or sleep even close to the recommended hours (minus).... those are the two biggest examples but of course there are many. i think your dad and i are very good at understanding and meeting your needs, most of the time. but we are human so of course after years of this very high energy behavior, we can get very beat down.....

i told you once during one of our heated arguments that i have questioned my parenting a million times and try every single day to do better.. i told you maybe it wasn't me after all, but you.  maybe you should care about our relationship and what it's doing to us as much as i do. some may say that is a lot to say to a 7 year old but we have always communicated openly and honestly and i honestly felt like that. these past few days make me think maybe i was right. a small change in your behavior has led to so much peace and calmness in our household.  you are such a cornerstone in our family.  with great honor comes great responsibility but i trust you will be able to rise to the occasion.

you are remarkable.  one day i'll be able to share with you the depth of my feelings about it.  for now, i want you to stay humble and do not want you to feel that you are "better" than anyone, especially your sister. but you are remarkable, in my eyes. your grandmother (my mother) told me when you were 7 months old that i would have a challenge on my hands.  she predicted that you could go on to do amazing things or get into a lot of trouble. after the passed away, i've thought about her words a lot (doesn't translate very well) but i think she was onto something.... i pray that your dad and i will be adequate enough to equip you for your journey in life.... i love you.

resurrection

jt,
last night was a breaking point for me.  the reason why i am turning to this blog again after more than 2 years.  we've been doing alright.  the move to the bay area was difficult for you, i know but you have been thriving and happy.  you've played soccer for 2 years, basketball for 2 summers and we just started your 3rd baseball season.  you love your 2nd grade teacher and have grown so much.  you have such a charmed life and yet, i feel this tension within you.  anger. frustration. anxiety.  there have been waves of this in the past few years but lately i feel like it shows up more and more and frankly, it scares me.  the defiance, the disrespect.  your dad and i are constantly re-assessing and talking about what we may be doing wrong or what we could do better. i've even told you that maybe it's not me but it's YOU that is the issue.  i have no idea what the hell i'm doing and i'm scared it will scar you for life or harden you. 

most of my days, i can tell myself that through the yelling and nagging, you and cbear know that you are loved and that will be enough.  some days, it feels so inadequate and nowhere near enough.  only time may tell how this will play out but i truly struggle with this.

so what brought on the melt down last night?
homework.
i asked you to do homework and the rage and anger your expressed was mind-boggling to me. i tried to calmly talk to you to figure out what was making you so angry but in the end, i came away thinking that you were angry because i wanted you to do homework and you wanted to push it off until tomorrow.  REALLY?!  you are going to be so angry because your mom wants you to do homework? after i explained to you in the car that it was so much better to spread it out instead of cramming it in on thursday nights after your sister's dance class.... after 30 minutes of trying to talk to you about why this was pissing you off, i gave up. i handed you the homework folder and told you that i would never again ask you to do homework. you're on your own.  as you stomped off upstairs, i sat in a daze, wondering how we got to this point. i went upstairs to tell your dad how upset i was and i started to cry.  i ran to my room, face-planted on the bed and sobbed.  sobbed at my failure at parenting, sobbed because i often feel betrayed that you could treat me like that, sobbed because i missed my own mom.  you came in to apologize and i asked you why you were sorry. you said, "i'm sorry you're crying and upset".  NOPE.  try again. i sent you away.  cried some more.  washed my face and went downstairs.  you came downstairs.  sat on the couch. we stared at each other, silently, for minutes.  you tried again, "i am sorry my bad behavior upset you"... i did not say it was ok. it's not ok. but i did tell you that sorry is just a word and that actions will show true remorse more than words. i know you are 7 but i truly believe it's ok to show you that i can be upset too. 

i feel drained. tired.  honestly, i'm so glad i have your dad.  he is the number one reason why i can wake up and continue to do this.  i have to believe that the love that we have for each other and for the two of you will make this right in the end.  i have to believe i will look back and see that these moments were minor bumps, not the major sinkholes i feel like they are at times. 

i love you even more in the face of these issues we're having.  i hope you feel the same.

school days

we survived the summer! i'm burnt out, tired and emotionally drained, but i'm still here! i enrolled you guys in a bunch of activities to round out the summer and went to every library event within 3 cities.. this week was a monumental event - jt... you started kindergarten!!!! you took a pre-K summer enrichment program at the elementary school you now attend and it was fantastic. about a month before your real kindergarten started, we were able to get on the same schedule and go on campus and actually be in the same classrooms you would be in when school started. to top it all off, you got the same room you had during summer school! and while this school typically has AM/PM kindergarten, we lucked out because this year, they happen to have low enrollment for kindergarten so they have all AM classes - YAY! i was worried that you might not be as sharp in the afternoon.. and c-bear now has no problem because kids with a sibling automatically get preference when getting AM/PM.. so you've paved the way for your sister as well!

jt - you had no problems adjusting to moving or starting kindergarten. you are a natural leader and you've already designated yourself as the best student in the class. heheheh. honestly, i know you are more than ready for kindergarten and you thrive with each new challenge that is thrown at you. academically and socially, you don't seem to have any issues. it's literally just controlling your impulses that you need to work on. settle down, little man...

here is what you told me on your first day of school (verbatim):
"hey mom, guess what? i totally wasn't the class clown! there's this girl named sally and she is sooooo annoying! she can't stop talking! nobody thinks its funny and even the teacher told her to stop talking but all she does is talk, talk, talk!! even her best friend gets irritated - i can totally tell! even if she's the best friend, she still gets really annoyed at sally!"

you crack me up. i think your dad tells you at least once a month that he does NOT want you to be the class clown and your preschool teacher said that talking about it constantly is probably what makes you act like class clown!!! haha.. i blame dad for that one!

cbear - what can i say?!?!?!!? you are seriously a diva. ATTITUDE. oh. my. goodness. if it's not your shoes, it's your purse. if it's not your purse, it's your sunglasses. or your shirt. at 20 months old, you have an opinion about EVERYTHING and you LOVE to get your way. stubborn as a mule! last week, i saw a side of you that is completely like me. jt was pushing you around and you bit him. i told you to say sorry and you would NOT do it for the life of you. 2o minutes you cried and i honestly believe you were crying because you felt a sense of injustice, not because i put you in time out. you HATED apologizing for something you felt wasn't your fault in the first place and i am the same exact way. while i totally felt your pain and understood you, i need to teach you that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express your frustration. biting is not ok... my little girl, you are stuck to me like glue all day and while you squeal with delight when daddy comes home and jump into his arms, you still manage to come to me throughout the night for hugs and "uppies"....

you guys are so sweet together. at least once a day, you have what i call a spontaneous hug session. at random times, but usually once a day, you'll start hugging and kissing and giggling.. it lasts 3-4 minutes but each day, i look forward to who will initiate the love session and when it will be. i love you guys.... i want this blog to be authentic so i will tell you that i don't love every minute of my days with you. i get frustrated, beat-down and just plain ol' tired.. but i feel very blessed to have this time with you and i know one day i will look back and appreciate it. but on a daily basis right now at this time in our lives, i'm holding on for dear life....

SAHM

i am officially a stay at home mom. we've moved in to our new house and you guys love that you can go in and out of our backyard all day long. our lives are completely different now that i'm at home with you guys. you both seem to enjoy the time home with me but to be completely honest, it's soooo difficult for me. things have gotten a TINY bit easier as i've gotten used to our new routine but it's far from being easy.

jt - i know you miss your friends. you have always been a social creature and love all of your friends. here, every time we meet a kid around your age, you try to befriend them in a second and then tell us for days who your new best friend is. my heart breaks to see you try so hard but you will soon start your kindergarten summer school and i know you'll make tons of new friends.

ct - u have been so vocal these days! you have a limited vocabulary but that doesn't stop you from letting us all know what you want! you have rummaged through the recycling bin and have licked beer and soda. i hope this is not an indication of what's to come in your teenage years!! you had your first time out and while oppa always just laughed and ran away, you sat there with your hands over your eyes and just cried this pitiful little cry. it was so darn cute i was tempted to put you in time out all day! i love your little smiles and i love the way you get into everything. you're very adventurous but also have this girly-girl side of you. love it!

i am counting down the days until kindergarten. those few hours you are out of the house will hopefully be a big help in our relationship. i also hope kindergarten will stimulate you and help you mature a little bit. i think you'll take school seriously and i hope the good habits will continue at home...

i'm worn out but hopefully when i look back at this time, i will be very thankful for the time i got to spend with you guys..

changes all around...

so much has happened since i last wrote in here!
mommy got laid off on 1/31 and then i got a new job at the city of hope, which i was REALLY excited about! but then daddy got an amazing job in sf so mommy had to turn down her job and we decided to move to sf! as if that wasn't enough, daddy had a detached retina and had to have emergency surgery on his eye and so all our plans were kind of halted and we're just starting to recover from all of that! as of now, we're packing... getting ready to leave and daddy's eye is healing...

so... what has been happening with you guys??

jt - you've been taking all of this so well... i was starting to think that nothing seems to faze you.. but the last few days, you've been acting out a bit and you even drew on the wall in my bedroom.. it's so unlike you.. but there is so much going on and the stress that mom and dad have been under is surely getting to you.. you're my trooper, though... you reassure me that everything is going to be ok and you reassure me that we will both make new friends up in sf.. you can be the sweetest oppa sometimes.... in the wee hours of the early morning, sometimes cbear wakes up and we all end up in bed together.. and she gets very antsy and starts kicking you in the head and rolling all over you but you never lash out and retaliate.. you just roll over or pat her on the arm or butt and tell her to go back to sleep... in those moments, i know that in your heart, you love your sister and are a gentle giant... BUT during the daytime, you sometimes really enjoy irritating your sister. you know exactly what will make her screech and wail and you do it while enjoying the result of her screaming her head off.. typical sibling stuff, i guess but nonetheless, it is REALLY irritating!

c-bear - you are growing so much! you're talking a little more.. but you sure do know what you want! you can express that you want milk, want your diaper changed and of course when you're not happy with something. you are a girly girl and like to make all sorts of funny faces for us. you're tough and i truly believe that you think you're as big as your brother! you try to push him around (literally) and pull on him like no tomorrow... you gained a little weight at your last doctor's appointment so he is satisfied that you are not underweight anymore (yay!) you seem to have your dad's taste buds - ANYTHING ASIAN. you'll chow down a bowl of soup and rice or curry or noodles but if i make pasta, you have a couple bites and you're done. it's very foreign to me since oppa ate everything i cooked for him!

when we move up to the bay area, i'm going to spend this summer with you two. please have mercy on this poor mom and help me through the days!! cbear, PLEASE try to sleep in until 7!!! the last few weeks of caretaking 2 kids and a husband have humbled me and have exhausted me. i don't know how stay at home moms do it, honestly. but i will find out in a few short weeks... it's gonna be a countdown till the first day of kindergarten!!!!

ER update

jt - you came home at 11:30pm or so and cruised in with a strawberry milkshake from jack in the box!! i thought you would be exhausted from your ER visit but you held me to my promise and watched a full episode of hot wheels battle force 5 before heading to bed. your arm was not dislocated in any way - just a major contusion (bruise). daddy and i don't really think that's accurate, but hey - we're not doctors. you have a soft splint and cast on and we already followed up with our pediatrician and i guess it's just gotta heal. it's been 4 days now and you're moving your arm much more and better now so i definitely think it's healing.. whew!! no more ER visits, ok??

cbear - sick again!!! i took you for your 1 year shots today (more than a month overdue) because you've been sick since you turned 1! you have a runny nose but the doctor said you were clear to get shots today. your stats? 20 lbs. and 29.5 inches! your height is still on a consistent curve but your weight dropped a lot! i think it's because you're walking!! i'm actually a bit surprised because you can really pack in the food sometimes! i swear there have been meals when you ate more than oppa. :)

cbear , you started saying "dada" for daddy! it's funny because oppa calls dad "appah" and i refer to dad as "appah" but you won't say appah, you say dada! either way, you put a huge smile on your dad's face :) you are very verbal. jt was signing a little bit by now but you REFUSE to sign "more". instead, you say "mah" when you want more. today, daddy was messing around with our play microphone and you LOOOOVE to talk in that thing and hear yourself talk. you grabbed that mic away from him and babbled away for minutes! lots of different sounds and tones, too! maybe you'll be a singer or even a reporter. you do loooove being the center of attention.. hmm, i wonder where you got that from???? :)

health scares

cbear - you are FINE! we went to the pediatric endocrinologist and after meeting with him, he determined that you are normal! he sent us to get an xray of your left hand and by viewing the bones in your hand, he saw that your growth was normal and if you had excessive estrogen in your system, bone growth would be accelerated as well as your breast growth. i did not know that the bones in your hand are still developing at this stage. between 9 months and one year, a person develops a few more bones in the hand and from 1 year to 15 months, some more.. but the doctor felt good about where you are developmentally and did not feel any more tests were necessary. he gave us the option of bringing you back in 6 months but gave us every indication that he believes all is well. praise God. i've been praying very hard for you and many others in our lives have also been praying for you. we're blessed to have so many people who love us and care for us.

jt - as i am typing this, you are in the ER with your dad! you were in the space between the couches and were reaching for a tape measure that fell behind the couch and came out SCREAMING that you broke your arm. daddy wasn't home so i had to assess the situation and i think you dislocated something again!!!! doesn't seem broken, but you're holding your arm just like when your elbow was dislocated at school. daddy raced home and i'm nervously waiting for you to come back. i promised you could sleep with me, that you could watch hot wheels battle force 5 and that you didn't have to go to bed until you felt like it! that's how bad i felt for you!! :( i rarely baby you but in moments when you are in pain, i want to give you anything and everything to make you feel better...

i'm done with the health scares for now, guys. let's all stay healthy and happy, k?????