resurrection

jt,
last night was a breaking point for me.  the reason why i am turning to this blog again after more than 2 years.  we've been doing alright.  the move to the bay area was difficult for you, i know but you have been thriving and happy.  you've played soccer for 2 years, basketball for 2 summers and we just started your 3rd baseball season.  you love your 2nd grade teacher and have grown so much.  you have such a charmed life and yet, i feel this tension within you.  anger. frustration. anxiety.  there have been waves of this in the past few years but lately i feel like it shows up more and more and frankly, it scares me.  the defiance, the disrespect.  your dad and i are constantly re-assessing and talking about what we may be doing wrong or what we could do better. i've even told you that maybe it's not me but it's YOU that is the issue.  i have no idea what the hell i'm doing and i'm scared it will scar you for life or harden you. 

most of my days, i can tell myself that through the yelling and nagging, you and cbear know that you are loved and that will be enough.  some days, it feels so inadequate and nowhere near enough.  only time may tell how this will play out but i truly struggle with this.

so what brought on the melt down last night?
homework.
i asked you to do homework and the rage and anger your expressed was mind-boggling to me. i tried to calmly talk to you to figure out what was making you so angry but in the end, i came away thinking that you were angry because i wanted you to do homework and you wanted to push it off until tomorrow.  REALLY?!  you are going to be so angry because your mom wants you to do homework? after i explained to you in the car that it was so much better to spread it out instead of cramming it in on thursday nights after your sister's dance class.... after 30 minutes of trying to talk to you about why this was pissing you off, i gave up. i handed you the homework folder and told you that i would never again ask you to do homework. you're on your own.  as you stomped off upstairs, i sat in a daze, wondering how we got to this point. i went upstairs to tell your dad how upset i was and i started to cry.  i ran to my room, face-planted on the bed and sobbed.  sobbed at my failure at parenting, sobbed because i often feel betrayed that you could treat me like that, sobbed because i missed my own mom.  you came in to apologize and i asked you why you were sorry. you said, "i'm sorry you're crying and upset".  NOPE.  try again. i sent you away.  cried some more.  washed my face and went downstairs.  you came downstairs.  sat on the couch. we stared at each other, silently, for minutes.  you tried again, "i am sorry my bad behavior upset you"... i did not say it was ok. it's not ok. but i did tell you that sorry is just a word and that actions will show true remorse more than words. i know you are 7 but i truly believe it's ok to show you that i can be upset too. 

i feel drained. tired.  honestly, i'm so glad i have your dad.  he is the number one reason why i can wake up and continue to do this.  i have to believe that the love that we have for each other and for the two of you will make this right in the end.  i have to believe i will look back and see that these moments were minor bumps, not the major sinkholes i feel like they are at times. 

i love you even more in the face of these issues we're having.  i hope you feel the same.