am i dreaming?

JT,

for some reason, you've decided to give me a break for the last 2 days.  you've done everything i've requested after the first time i asked; you've done homework and chores before heading outside to play with your friends without argument; you've gone to bed with no delays..... i'm not sure what to make of this.  i feel like i've been here before. 3-5 days is usually your max.  i REALLY REALLY want to believe this is the real deal.  but i'll take however many days you give me.  i feel such a sense of relief. i've almost been reduced to tears a few times in the past 48 hours.  why the dramatics?  because for the first time, i felt like the mom i always thought i could/would be.  i've doubted myself and beat myself up so many times for how harsh i felt i was treating you at times.  i've questioned myself as a person, wondering how i could possible be soooo frustrated and angry at a child. a child who is mine!  it's enough to drive a person crazy.  but as you behaved "normally" (or at least how i imagine 80% of children to act), i realized that i should not be so hard on myself.  you are a difficult personality. i don't even mean that as a dig. i love you so tremendously but the fact is, you are a difficult personality to deal with.  the things we love about you also come with cons.  you have always been extremely verbal and expressive (plus) but you also express your anger and frustration to us ALL.THE.TIME (minus)...... you are extremely athletic (plus) but you have EXTREME energy and could never bother to nap or sleep even close to the recommended hours (minus).... those are the two biggest examples but of course there are many. i think your dad and i are very good at understanding and meeting your needs, most of the time. but we are human so of course after years of this very high energy behavior, we can get very beat down.....

i told you once during one of our heated arguments that i have questioned my parenting a million times and try every single day to do better.. i told you maybe it wasn't me after all, but you.  maybe you should care about our relationship and what it's doing to us as much as i do. some may say that is a lot to say to a 7 year old but we have always communicated openly and honestly and i honestly felt like that. these past few days make me think maybe i was right. a small change in your behavior has led to so much peace and calmness in our household.  you are such a cornerstone in our family.  with great honor comes great responsibility but i trust you will be able to rise to the occasion.

you are remarkable.  one day i'll be able to share with you the depth of my feelings about it.  for now, i want you to stay humble and do not want you to feel that you are "better" than anyone, especially your sister. but you are remarkable, in my eyes. your grandmother (my mother) told me when you were 7 months old that i would have a challenge on my hands.  she predicted that you could go on to do amazing things or get into a lot of trouble. after the passed away, i've thought about her words a lot (doesn't translate very well) but i think she was onto something.... i pray that your dad and i will be adequate enough to equip you for your journey in life.... i love you.

resurrection

jt,
last night was a breaking point for me.  the reason why i am turning to this blog again after more than 2 years.  we've been doing alright.  the move to the bay area was difficult for you, i know but you have been thriving and happy.  you've played soccer for 2 years, basketball for 2 summers and we just started your 3rd baseball season.  you love your 2nd grade teacher and have grown so much.  you have such a charmed life and yet, i feel this tension within you.  anger. frustration. anxiety.  there have been waves of this in the past few years but lately i feel like it shows up more and more and frankly, it scares me.  the defiance, the disrespect.  your dad and i are constantly re-assessing and talking about what we may be doing wrong or what we could do better. i've even told you that maybe it's not me but it's YOU that is the issue.  i have no idea what the hell i'm doing and i'm scared it will scar you for life or harden you. 

most of my days, i can tell myself that through the yelling and nagging, you and cbear know that you are loved and that will be enough.  some days, it feels so inadequate and nowhere near enough.  only time may tell how this will play out but i truly struggle with this.

so what brought on the melt down last night?
homework.
i asked you to do homework and the rage and anger your expressed was mind-boggling to me. i tried to calmly talk to you to figure out what was making you so angry but in the end, i came away thinking that you were angry because i wanted you to do homework and you wanted to push it off until tomorrow.  REALLY?!  you are going to be so angry because your mom wants you to do homework? after i explained to you in the car that it was so much better to spread it out instead of cramming it in on thursday nights after your sister's dance class.... after 30 minutes of trying to talk to you about why this was pissing you off, i gave up. i handed you the homework folder and told you that i would never again ask you to do homework. you're on your own.  as you stomped off upstairs, i sat in a daze, wondering how we got to this point. i went upstairs to tell your dad how upset i was and i started to cry.  i ran to my room, face-planted on the bed and sobbed.  sobbed at my failure at parenting, sobbed because i often feel betrayed that you could treat me like that, sobbed because i missed my own mom.  you came in to apologize and i asked you why you were sorry. you said, "i'm sorry you're crying and upset".  NOPE.  try again. i sent you away.  cried some more.  washed my face and went downstairs.  you came downstairs.  sat on the couch. we stared at each other, silently, for minutes.  you tried again, "i am sorry my bad behavior upset you"... i did not say it was ok. it's not ok. but i did tell you that sorry is just a word and that actions will show true remorse more than words. i know you are 7 but i truly believe it's ok to show you that i can be upset too. 

i feel drained. tired.  honestly, i'm so glad i have your dad.  he is the number one reason why i can wake up and continue to do this.  i have to believe that the love that we have for each other and for the two of you will make this right in the end.  i have to believe i will look back and see that these moments were minor bumps, not the major sinkholes i feel like they are at times. 

i love you even more in the face of these issues we're having.  i hope you feel the same.