school days

we survived the summer! i'm burnt out, tired and emotionally drained, but i'm still here! i enrolled you guys in a bunch of activities to round out the summer and went to every library event within 3 cities.. this week was a monumental event - jt... you started kindergarten!!!! you took a pre-K summer enrichment program at the elementary school you now attend and it was fantastic. about a month before your real kindergarten started, we were able to get on the same schedule and go on campus and actually be in the same classrooms you would be in when school started. to top it all off, you got the same room you had during summer school! and while this school typically has AM/PM kindergarten, we lucked out because this year, they happen to have low enrollment for kindergarten so they have all AM classes - YAY! i was worried that you might not be as sharp in the afternoon.. and c-bear now has no problem because kids with a sibling automatically get preference when getting AM/PM.. so you've paved the way for your sister as well!

jt - you had no problems adjusting to moving or starting kindergarten. you are a natural leader and you've already designated yourself as the best student in the class. heheheh. honestly, i know you are more than ready for kindergarten and you thrive with each new challenge that is thrown at you. academically and socially, you don't seem to have any issues. it's literally just controlling your impulses that you need to work on. settle down, little man...

here is what you told me on your first day of school (verbatim):
"hey mom, guess what? i totally wasn't the class clown! there's this girl named sally and she is sooooo annoying! she can't stop talking! nobody thinks its funny and even the teacher told her to stop talking but all she does is talk, talk, talk!! even her best friend gets irritated - i can totally tell! even if she's the best friend, she still gets really annoyed at sally!"

you crack me up. i think your dad tells you at least once a month that he does NOT want you to be the class clown and your preschool teacher said that talking about it constantly is probably what makes you act like class clown!!! haha.. i blame dad for that one!

cbear - what can i say?!?!?!!? you are seriously a diva. ATTITUDE. oh. my. goodness. if it's not your shoes, it's your purse. if it's not your purse, it's your sunglasses. or your shirt. at 20 months old, you have an opinion about EVERYTHING and you LOVE to get your way. stubborn as a mule! last week, i saw a side of you that is completely like me. jt was pushing you around and you bit him. i told you to say sorry and you would NOT do it for the life of you. 2o minutes you cried and i honestly believe you were crying because you felt a sense of injustice, not because i put you in time out. you HATED apologizing for something you felt wasn't your fault in the first place and i am the same exact way. while i totally felt your pain and understood you, i need to teach you that there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express your frustration. biting is not ok... my little girl, you are stuck to me like glue all day and while you squeal with delight when daddy comes home and jump into his arms, you still manage to come to me throughout the night for hugs and "uppies"....

you guys are so sweet together. at least once a day, you have what i call a spontaneous hug session. at random times, but usually once a day, you'll start hugging and kissing and giggling.. it lasts 3-4 minutes but each day, i look forward to who will initiate the love session and when it will be. i love you guys.... i want this blog to be authentic so i will tell you that i don't love every minute of my days with you. i get frustrated, beat-down and just plain ol' tired.. but i feel very blessed to have this time with you and i know one day i will look back and appreciate it. but on a daily basis right now at this time in our lives, i'm holding on for dear life....

SAHM

i am officially a stay at home mom. we've moved in to our new house and you guys love that you can go in and out of our backyard all day long. our lives are completely different now that i'm at home with you guys. you both seem to enjoy the time home with me but to be completely honest, it's soooo difficult for me. things have gotten a TINY bit easier as i've gotten used to our new routine but it's far from being easy.

jt - i know you miss your friends. you have always been a social creature and love all of your friends. here, every time we meet a kid around your age, you try to befriend them in a second and then tell us for days who your new best friend is. my heart breaks to see you try so hard but you will soon start your kindergarten summer school and i know you'll make tons of new friends.

ct - u have been so vocal these days! you have a limited vocabulary but that doesn't stop you from letting us all know what you want! you have rummaged through the recycling bin and have licked beer and soda. i hope this is not an indication of what's to come in your teenage years!! you had your first time out and while oppa always just laughed and ran away, you sat there with your hands over your eyes and just cried this pitiful little cry. it was so darn cute i was tempted to put you in time out all day! i love your little smiles and i love the way you get into everything. you're very adventurous but also have this girly-girl side of you. love it!

i am counting down the days until kindergarten. those few hours you are out of the house will hopefully be a big help in our relationship. i also hope kindergarten will stimulate you and help you mature a little bit. i think you'll take school seriously and i hope the good habits will continue at home...

i'm worn out but hopefully when i look back at this time, i will be very thankful for the time i got to spend with you guys..

changes all around...

so much has happened since i last wrote in here!
mommy got laid off on 1/31 and then i got a new job at the city of hope, which i was REALLY excited about! but then daddy got an amazing job in sf so mommy had to turn down her job and we decided to move to sf! as if that wasn't enough, daddy had a detached retina and had to have emergency surgery on his eye and so all our plans were kind of halted and we're just starting to recover from all of that! as of now, we're packing... getting ready to leave and daddy's eye is healing...

so... what has been happening with you guys??

jt - you've been taking all of this so well... i was starting to think that nothing seems to faze you.. but the last few days, you've been acting out a bit and you even drew on the wall in my bedroom.. it's so unlike you.. but there is so much going on and the stress that mom and dad have been under is surely getting to you.. you're my trooper, though... you reassure me that everything is going to be ok and you reassure me that we will both make new friends up in sf.. you can be the sweetest oppa sometimes.... in the wee hours of the early morning, sometimes cbear wakes up and we all end up in bed together.. and she gets very antsy and starts kicking you in the head and rolling all over you but you never lash out and retaliate.. you just roll over or pat her on the arm or butt and tell her to go back to sleep... in those moments, i know that in your heart, you love your sister and are a gentle giant... BUT during the daytime, you sometimes really enjoy irritating your sister. you know exactly what will make her screech and wail and you do it while enjoying the result of her screaming her head off.. typical sibling stuff, i guess but nonetheless, it is REALLY irritating!

c-bear - you are growing so much! you're talking a little more.. but you sure do know what you want! you can express that you want milk, want your diaper changed and of course when you're not happy with something. you are a girly girl and like to make all sorts of funny faces for us. you're tough and i truly believe that you think you're as big as your brother! you try to push him around (literally) and pull on him like no tomorrow... you gained a little weight at your last doctor's appointment so he is satisfied that you are not underweight anymore (yay!) you seem to have your dad's taste buds - ANYTHING ASIAN. you'll chow down a bowl of soup and rice or curry or noodles but if i make pasta, you have a couple bites and you're done. it's very foreign to me since oppa ate everything i cooked for him!

when we move up to the bay area, i'm going to spend this summer with you two. please have mercy on this poor mom and help me through the days!! cbear, PLEASE try to sleep in until 7!!! the last few weeks of caretaking 2 kids and a husband have humbled me and have exhausted me. i don't know how stay at home moms do it, honestly. but i will find out in a few short weeks... it's gonna be a countdown till the first day of kindergarten!!!!

ER update

jt - you came home at 11:30pm or so and cruised in with a strawberry milkshake from jack in the box!! i thought you would be exhausted from your ER visit but you held me to my promise and watched a full episode of hot wheels battle force 5 before heading to bed. your arm was not dislocated in any way - just a major contusion (bruise). daddy and i don't really think that's accurate, but hey - we're not doctors. you have a soft splint and cast on and we already followed up with our pediatrician and i guess it's just gotta heal. it's been 4 days now and you're moving your arm much more and better now so i definitely think it's healing.. whew!! no more ER visits, ok??

cbear - sick again!!! i took you for your 1 year shots today (more than a month overdue) because you've been sick since you turned 1! you have a runny nose but the doctor said you were clear to get shots today. your stats? 20 lbs. and 29.5 inches! your height is still on a consistent curve but your weight dropped a lot! i think it's because you're walking!! i'm actually a bit surprised because you can really pack in the food sometimes! i swear there have been meals when you ate more than oppa. :)

cbear , you started saying "dada" for daddy! it's funny because oppa calls dad "appah" and i refer to dad as "appah" but you won't say appah, you say dada! either way, you put a huge smile on your dad's face :) you are very verbal. jt was signing a little bit by now but you REFUSE to sign "more". instead, you say "mah" when you want more. today, daddy was messing around with our play microphone and you LOOOOVE to talk in that thing and hear yourself talk. you grabbed that mic away from him and babbled away for minutes! lots of different sounds and tones, too! maybe you'll be a singer or even a reporter. you do loooove being the center of attention.. hmm, i wonder where you got that from???? :)

health scares

cbear - you are FINE! we went to the pediatric endocrinologist and after meeting with him, he determined that you are normal! he sent us to get an xray of your left hand and by viewing the bones in your hand, he saw that your growth was normal and if you had excessive estrogen in your system, bone growth would be accelerated as well as your breast growth. i did not know that the bones in your hand are still developing at this stage. between 9 months and one year, a person develops a few more bones in the hand and from 1 year to 15 months, some more.. but the doctor felt good about where you are developmentally and did not feel any more tests were necessary. he gave us the option of bringing you back in 6 months but gave us every indication that he believes all is well. praise God. i've been praying very hard for you and many others in our lives have also been praying for you. we're blessed to have so many people who love us and care for us.

jt - as i am typing this, you are in the ER with your dad! you were in the space between the couches and were reaching for a tape measure that fell behind the couch and came out SCREAMING that you broke your arm. daddy wasn't home so i had to assess the situation and i think you dislocated something again!!!! doesn't seem broken, but you're holding your arm just like when your elbow was dislocated at school. daddy raced home and i'm nervously waiting for you to come back. i promised you could sleep with me, that you could watch hot wheels battle force 5 and that you didn't have to go to bed until you felt like it! that's how bad i felt for you!! :( i rarely baby you but in moments when you are in pain, i want to give you anything and everything to make you feel better...

i'm done with the health scares for now, guys. let's all stay healthy and happy, k?????

deep thoughts...

jt, you are exasperating but at times, you really amaze me with your insights... let's see... a little while ago, you asked me and dad this question - "what does it feel like to die?" WTF?!?! i know you think about death once in a while and we have tried to answer all of your questions honestly and simply. so, i kinda stayed quiet when you asked this question and your dad also kinda stayed quiet and while you didn't keep talking, we could tell that it was really on your mind... i am not ready to have this conversation with a 4 year old. but your dad handled it pretty well. he answered, "when a person dies, it gets really quiet and then really dark". you seemed pretty satisfied with the answer but your dad and i were so surprised that such a question would be on your mind...

today, driving home from school, i had to stop to pick up some noodles and i was telling you how difficult it was going to be to take both of you out to get the food because i am always nervous that you might run into the street. you said to me, "mommy, you don't really know me - i would never do such a thing". you really do talk beyond your years... i can't even imagine the things you're going to say in a year or two...

ct - you're still doing really well at school. your personality is sure coming out! today, when i picked you up, one of the teachers told me that you are one assertive little one year old! apparently, you kinda like your personal space and will let the other older kids know when they are getting too close :) i guess everyone in the room knows to give you some room! i love your spunk, your tough-girl attitude and the fact that you completely melt into my arms the next second. be tough out in the world, little girl.. and then be vulnerable in the safety of our home..

daycare!

cbear, you are officially a schoolgirl! :) you started daycare on monday! based on what i know about your personality so far in your young life, i really thought you were going to have a difficult time adjusting to daycare. daddy and i worried for weeks about how you were going to handle it. we both dropped you off on monday and you cried for literally 3 seconds when we handed you over to the teacher but had already stopped by the time we were outside the door! i even peeked in and you were already playing with your new friends. when i picked you up that day, we hugged for maybe 3-4 minutes, just so happy to be reunited. you had no problems and the teachers were so impressed with how well you did! the director warned me that day 2 is often the more difficult day, but you surprised us all by having an awesome day 2 and day 3!! no tears whatsoever. i'm so proud of you, c-bear! even though you act like my little baby at home, you really are a tough, independent girl! i think you were ready to explore more. you do seem to be a very social girl. so yay for you!

we are going through a little health scare with you right now. we have to find out if you have too much estrogen in your little body. when you were first born, you had a heart murmur that lasted a day, which scared us sooooooo much and now we're going through this. you had your very first ultrasound on tuesday and you did great! you were scared and cried but you held still just long enough for the tech to get some pictures. c-bear, you are truly so special to me. just the thought of you being sick or not well makes me want to jump off a cliff sometimes. i can't bear to even THINK that something is wrong with you so i am choosing to be positive and hopeful. THAT'S IT. only positivity. you have to be healthy and fine. you, more than anyone, need to be healthy.

i love you so much, my brave, sweet, loving, beautiful daughter.